I dont blog.  I dont face book or "communicate" as Matt would put it.  I don do what i should in terms if normal communication.  MAtt often requested to come to my house to make sure tht what I did have to "plug in" was "plugged in."

I miss Matt so much.

I dont blog or facebook or do much that would be normally defined by Matt as "normal commnuincation."  I dont even come here as often as i should.   

Matthew John Ford Memorial Endowment

I am excited to announce that there has been a scholarship created at Elon University in Matt's memory. The Matthew John Ford Memorial Endowment will help students who are majoring in computer sciences and who are pursuing qualified Elon Experiences opportunities. Southland Electrical Supply was generous enough to create an initial scholarship for Matt, however this scholarship was limited to 10 years. After speaking with Southland, their gift has now been combined with the endowed Scholarship along with any other gifts given in Matt's memory. Within the next 5 years, we have set the goal to make the Matthew John Ford Memorial Scholarship an endowed fund (meaning permanent). This way Matt's memory at Elon will live on forever. For all of us who had the opportunity to get to know Matt thanks to Elon, I hope that you can give in his memory. Any amount donated is a valued gift and is 100% tax deductible. When making a gift make sure to it is directed to "Matthew John Ford Memorial Endowment." Gifts can be sent to:

Jamie M. Killorin
Director of Gift Planning
Office of University Advancement
Elon University
2600 Campus Box
Elon, NC 27244

Questions can also be directed to Jamie Killorin at (336) 278.7454 or jkillorin2@elon.edu

Thank you! We miss you Matt!

Moving Day

We helped Mary move over the past weekend. It caused me to reflect on all of the moves I've been involved with in my lifetime. I've moved 14 times in my life so far and expect at least a couple more. Moving day evokes a lot of different emotions. Each time can be exciting, frightening, sad, happy, fun, maddening, all wrapped into one. My first big move was when our family moved from Pittsburgh to Fairfax, VA when I was in the 6th grade. I hated my parents for it at the time but really liked living in Virginia for the 3 and half years that we were there. I didn't want to leave when we went back to Pittsburgh when I was in the 9th grade. The next big move for me was leaving Pittsburgh (again) to go to Penn State. I oculdn't wait to leave Pittsburgh that time, but when I got to Penn State I was scared to death. That didn't last long and I met people that will forever be a part of my life there most notibly Terry. Leaving Penn State was also a biggy because Terry was still there and I went to, you guessed it, Pittsburgh. We got married and Terry moved to Pittsburgh with me. Didn't stay too long this time, it was off to Columbus, Ohio to start a new life and a family. Eventually my sister came there to start her family and even later my brother and his new family. I think the hardest move for me personally was leaving Columbus. My kids grew up with my sister's kids- we lived a couple of blocks from each other. From there we went to NJ. Terry, Matt, and Mark hated me for it but by the time we left there they didn't want to go. We settled here in Clemmons for a long time now. Moving took on a whole new meaning. I still remember the day that we took Matt to Elon. That picture of him, Mark, and me is one of my favorites. He was so anxious to be free. I was so glad (and sad) for him to be free. We helped him move a few times during his college life-those experiences were not some of my fondest memories. The kid didn't like to pack things into boxes you just moved them from one place to a vehicle to another place! Moving Mark to App State was easy. Just had to fill the back of his and my Jeep with mostly newly aquired loot and unload at the dorm. I say it was easy but that was another very hard move for me - to have Mark leave meant no more special time with him, me, and Terry - wrestling on the couch, watching movies - good happy fun. One of my most memorable moves was when I helped Mark and his friend John move Mark's stuff out of a house up in Boone into the house that Matt bought up in Boone. Mark had an awful lot of stuff by then and it was kind of cold and rainy but I still remember the fun I had driving up and back in the truck with them - they were middle and high school friends. Luckily I was spared the final move from college for both Matt and Mark. I know they didnt want me to see all of the stuff they had accumulated and were trashing - especially Mark who rented an industrial dumpster to clean out the house that Matt owned in Boone when he was done with school. Matt asked me to help him move a sectional sofa into his 3rd floor walk up in Greensboro. We went to Highpoint to get it. I knew it was going to be interesting when we pulled up to the house where it was being stored in the carport. It seemed to be ok but had a hell of a lot of pet hair on in. No matter. So I haven't been involved in too much moving except to help unload what Mark did bring back from college to his new house in Winston. That was pretty easy as far as moves go.

The beginning

Many of you know Matt as a teenager, in highschool, in college, as a man. I've known him from the beginning. This may be graphic, but I feel it important to tell the story. During my pregnancy I had no problems. Ten weeks before I was due I broke water. We went to the hospital and I was on total bed rest. I held on for 2 more weeks, and called Greg and said come now. He had heard that a few times before, so he took the time to shower and shave. I heard the screaming for Jesus from other mothers and thought what in hell am I instore for. Greg finally got there and we played backgammon. Then they checked me again and said it's time. I thought well this was fairly easy. Even though Matt wanted to start life, he suddenly decided he wasn't all that sure about it. I suddenly found that giving birth wasn't all that easy. 20 people rushed the room cause it was a preemie birth. When he finally came out they laid him on my belly. I reached for him and they said don't touch him. They took him from me and whisked him from the room. I was scared to death. After an hour we still hadn't heard anything. I asked Greg to check on him. He was born 8 weeks early, in 1982. At that time they told me he may be slow...mentally challenged. I refused to believe that. Even though that parenting magazine said your child should be doing this at 3 months or that at 6 months. They had me paranoid. Fast forward. Once Matt could speak, it was CONSTANT QUESTIONS. Mostly "how" and the insistent "but" and "why". I tried my best to answer his questions or to guide him to find the answers once the questions got to be out of my realm of knowledge. I knew at age 2 Matt was not slow, but quite the opposite... He had already figured out how the locks on the door worked. A neighbor showed up with him at 6am, said he was playing on their swingset. After drilling him over an over not to touch any electrical outlets he said "Look mom if I only touch this part it won't hurt me". Wow and this is only the beginning.

My Valentine

Matt was not a big fan of Valentine's Day, in fact he thought it was a fake commercialized holiday just made up for people to spend money. Even though I'm pretty sure I remember him telling me the bloody "true story" behind St. Valentine, when February 14th rolled around last year he didn't let me down. He picked me up, bringing with him 18 red roses, a card, and a big heart shaped box of chocolates. I've been trying all week to remember where we went for dinner and couldn't until just now- Lucky 32. Of course he had waited until the last minute to make reservations anywhere and that was about the only place that wasn't booked up, and the only time they had for us was at 9 or 10 that night. We talked about just waiting until the weekend to go somewhere fancier at a normal eating hour, but I refused. If was Valentine's Day and if you were going to celebrate it, it had to be on the actual day. So we went and had a great (late) dinner. What I will remember most was that even though he wasn't a big fan of Valentine's Day he made a point to make it special for me, and it was. It saddens me to know that was our only Valentine's Day together, but I've been thinking about him a lot today and since I can't give him a card, I thought of how I could at least say "thank you" for all the things he did for me.

To Matt-
Thank you for renewing my love for tennis. If it wasn't for you I may not have started playing regularly again. I will never forget the first time we played together, where it all started. Your passion and enthusiasm to learn the game and get better at it was infectious, and even though I will have to find new tennis partners to play with I will miss our competitiveness on the court and "friendly" wagers. I will keep playing for myself to improve my game and to spread that healthy competition to others, and in doing that I will also be playing for you.

Thank you for pushing me to do better- at work, at play, at our relationship, and at everything else. You never settled for less than the best, and that attitude has started to rub off on me. Your pushing sometimes made me angry if I didn't agree with you at first, but it always made me think and reevaluate. You made me and still make me want to be a better person in all aspects of life.

Thank you for not caring what other people think. I know having this personality can sometimes be hard for others to swallow, but I really admired that about you (most of the time). In the last few months I've really had to think about what is going to be best for me in the long run, regardless of what others think is best. I know that is how you would want me to move forward and that is what I plan to do.

Thank you for taking me with you. Regardless of whether it was a business trip, road trip, football game, family vacation, whatever- you always took me along for the ride. Even on business trips you somehow made it seem appropriate, necessary even, to justify me coming along. I am so thankful for the trips and adventures we took together, and the memories that came with them that I will always carry with me. You once told me, "I don't care where I'm going or what for, if I can find a way to bring you with me I will". Thank you for including me and wanting me to be a part of all the things you did.

And lastly, thank you for loving me. No one has ever loved me the way you did, and I have never loved anyone the way I loved you. I will always treasure what we shared, and am now just trying to be ok with the fact that we will never get to see the plans we were making together. Thank you for making me feel so special and important in your life, you were certainly important to mine. I miss you and will love you always.

Happy Valentine's Day,
Mary

My Valentine

Matt was not a big fan of Valentine’s Day, in fact he thought it was a fake commercialized holiday just made up for people to spend money. Even though I’m pretty sure I remember him telling me the bloody “true story” behind St. Valentine, when February 14th rolled around last year he didn’t let me down. He picked me up, bringing with him 18 red roses, a card, and a big heart shaped box of chocolates. I’ve been trying to remember all week where we went for dinner and I couldn’t until just now- Lucky 32. Of course he had waited until the last minute to make reservations anywhere and that was about the only place that wasn’t booked up, and the only time they had for us was at 9 or 10 that night. We talked about just waiting until the weekend to go somewhere fancier at a normal eating hour, but I refused. It was Valentine’s Day and if you were going to celebrate it, it had to be on the actual day. So we went and had a great (late) dinner. What I will remember most was that even though he wasn’t a big fan of Valentine’s Day he made a point to make it special for me, and it was. It saddens me to know that was our only Valentine’s Day together, but I’ve been thinking about him a lot today and since I can’t give him a card, I thought of how I could at least say “thank you” for all the things he did for me.

To Matt-

Thank you for renewing my love for tennis. If it wasn’t for you I may not have started playing regularly again. I will never forget the first time we played together, where it all started. Your passion and enthusiasm to learn the game and get better at it was infectious, and even though I will have to find new tennis partners to play with I will miss our competitiveness on the court and “friendly” wagers. I will keep playing for myself to improve my game and to spread that healthy competition to others, and in doing that I will also be playing for you.

Thank you for pushing me to do better- at work, at play, at our relationship, and at everything else. You never settled for less than the best, and that attitude has started to rub off on me. Your pushing sometimes made me angry if I didn’t agree with you at first, but it always made me think and reevaluate. You made me and still make me want to be a better person in all aspects of life.

Thank you for not caring what other people think. I know having this personality can be sometimes hard for others to swallow, but I really admired that about you (most of the time). In the last few months I’ve really had to think about what is going to be best for me in the long run, regardless of what others think is best. I know that is how you would want me to move forward and that is what I plan to do.

Thank you for taking me with you. Regardless of whether it was a business trip, road trip, football game, family vacation, whatever- you always took me along for the ride. Even on business trips you somehow made it seem appropriate, necessary even, to justify me coming along. I am so thankful for the trips and adventures we took together, and the memories that came with them that I will always carry with me. You once told me, “I don’t care where I’m going or what for, if I can find a way to bring you with me I will”. Thank you for including me and wanting me to be a part of all the things you did.

And lastly, thank you for loving me. No one has ever loved me the way you did, and I have never loved anyone the way I loved you. I will always treasure what we shared, and am now just trying to be ok with the fact that we will never get to see the plans we were making together. Thank you for making me feel so special and important to your life, you were certainly important to mine. I miss you and will love you always.

Mary

Speed Week

If you don't following racing you don't know what this entry will be about.

I've always had an attraction to racing. I remember watching it on TV with my dad as a kid and even into my early teen years. Occasionally he and I went to some of the local dirt track events in Pittsburgh where there are now shopping centers and office complexes. I've always liked going to demolition derbys at tracks, fairs, wherever.

I committed to involvement because of Matt. We all know his affinity for fast cars on and off the track. He asked me to join a fantasy league with him. I didn't know much about the drivers or teams at that point, I just liked to watch them race and see an occasional smash up. Being on the fantasy league forced me to learn. I think I beat Matt the first year we did it. I don't think he participated after that. But we did go to races together in Martinsville, in Charlotte, and in Daytona. He went to more tracks including Bristol, Poconos, and Taladega. We had plans to go to Bristol and Taladega together sometime in the future because he had such a good time there and told me he knew I would love the atmosphere. Well, Mark and I will have to do that now.

Back to Speed Week...its the name they use for all of the activity at the Daytona International Speedway to kick of the first race of the season, the Daytona 500. They had the 24hours at Daytona last week. This week there are a lot of different practices, the Budweiser Shootout, the Gatorade Dual 1 and 2, and finally next week the Daytona 500 itself. It's awesome. So many people, so much noise, so many cars, so much beer. Matt, Terry, and I went in 2007. We had tickets for all three races over the course of the week and we got to stay with Matt's grandparents (Terry's folks) who live in Daytona. Matt and I went to all three races. His grandma came to one of them and Terry came to the Daytona 500. We had a blast in spite of the rainy cold weather. The 500 was a great race. For you fans, that was the one that Harvick and Martin were even to the finish line while there was a huge crash behind them and a car came across the finish line after them on its roof.

Such fun. Such special memories. I'm thankful I have them. I wish I could make more and I will, just a different cast of characters...

Super Bowl Sunday

One of my favorite days of the year. Family, friends, food, football. What's not to like? OK, so most of the time the game isn't that good and lately the commercials haven't been that interesting. But you still have family, friends, and food! And when your team is actually playing its GREAT.

We've been to a lot of different places to watch over the years, mostly at other peoples houses. Here's some of my most memorable and most enjoyable (not necessarily the same) games from over the years.

One year we went to some friends, Mike and Julie's, apartment. It was the whole gang I worked with at Kobacker's in Ohio. It's memorable because of the good time we all had partying. There were TVs all over the place including the bathroom. Lots of food and beer. Don't remember who was playing the game though.

Another memory is when we went up the street to the neighbors. Mark was about 9 or 10 and went with us. He was friends with their son. Matt was about 13 or 14 and he didn't come - he didn't want to go anywhere we went during those years. He had plans to watch at his friends house. We only stayed at the neighbors until half time because they had two little girls that could not talk without screaming at such a high pitch that I thought my eardrums were bleeding. So I told Terry I was leaving and we walked down the street 4 houses to our own. Once inside we all noticed that the door to our basement (that has a dead bolt!) had been forced open. The whole door frame was smashed to bits. I don't remember being afraid although I'm sure I was but went downstairs to find the same thing had happened to the door to the outside through the garage. I don't remember the exact sequence of events anymore but probably went through out the house to see what else was wrong. Well to our surprise Matt was at home in his room. It turns out HE was the one that broke in, kicking down 2 doors to do it! His reason was that he was mad that we weren't home when he got there. He knew we were up the street and didn't even bother to come up there. Needless to say we were furious with him and there was a lot of screaming and yelling. Let's just say this was a glimpse into the turbulent years with Matt, but none the less a memorable super bowl, again no idea who played or who won.

Another Superbowl was spent at our friends, Ronnie and Randy's, house. Great food, good times with family and friends. Both boys were with us. Ronnie and Randy's boys were there and maybe some others- not sure. I remember sitting in a blow up Miller Lite chair that kept deflating. It was all good.

After that most of my memories are watching the game from the house. Its' amazing how many times Mark and Matt came over for our intimate Superbowl parties once we got the big screen TV. All kidding aside, those are my best memories - the boys, their girlfriends and maybe some friends, Terry, and me watching the game. I'd rearrange the room and make sure all the couches and chairs were facing the TV. Of course you had to climb over some to get in and out of the room. Terry would make sure the food just kept on coming: wings, meat balls, chips, salsa, hot pastry thingys. Fantastic!

This year will be another first. (I don't like most of the "firsts" anymore). Terry and I are going to Matt's close friend Justins parents for the game. Mark and Malinda are having close friends to their house for the game. And Matt, well I won't get to share his enthusiam for the Steelers this year as they fight for number six. I'll miss that. Matt is a die hard Panthers fan, no doubt, but if the Panthers aren't in the mix he was right there for the Steelers. He always made it a point to take me, Terry, and Mark to the pre-season Steelers/Panthers games in Charlotte.

I toyed with the idea of going to the game. Terry and Mark encouraged me. Matt definately would have wanted us to, in fact he would have probably put the whole thing together and the 6 of us would be in Tampa right now. I just didn't have it in me, maybe because I didn't want to do it without him. Anyhow, I know that he'll be with us all, no matter where we are, cheering along side of us.

GO STEELERS!!!

Happy New Year

Well it is New Year's Day. Had a party last night to put an end to this horrible year, put it behind me in search for a better one this year. Mary and her mom Cindy came, Ginny and David, Mike and Linda, Mike and Meg and Maddie, Trish and Paul from Columbus. We had my "special egg nog" more than a few lemon drops, and what ever we were drinking at the in between times, and damn it Mary you didn't take the sweet tea vodka home with ya. Thank you friends and family, I can’t tell you how much this meant to us. Today we kinda slugged, however I got my lazy ass together around noon to make some pancakes, then reheated and put out leftovers while we watched our Nittany Lions bite the dust. Greg and I met at Penn State, his sister Trish’s husband also went there as well as their son Gordon. So that loss really sucked. Paul and Trish then took us to dinner at a steak house that was excellent. I don't have to cook for awhile to boot, thank you very much.

I convinced myself that having a party and liberating myself by putting the year to an end would miraculously make Jeannie, my sister who passed in June, and my son Matt's death be done with, over, over, thru. I woke up this morning, and it will never be done, over, thru. It will always be with me, I try to wake up later in the day, cause when I do wake, the realization is my firstborn baby is gone. Then I try to get on out of bed. I thank God for Greg, because he has coffee waiting for me.

It is now a new year and I set out goals for myself. I am joining some sort of Y or gym not only for fatass control but for actual interaction with people, I've shut myself away for a long time. I will still be me, and like Matt was like me, you can be my friend or not. If you ask me my opinion, expect to get it, and I want yours. Doesn't mean I have to agree with it. Doesn't mean we can't be friends. Just means we can be honest with each other. The petty stuff never set with me before and let me tell ya, I really can't tolerate any of it now. It is like I want to scream when someone is relaying some petty beef which I normally would get riled up about and now it's like, you don't know aggravation, you don't have a clue.

Both of my sister's have told me over the years Matt is just like you, and that is why you can't get along . I clamped down what I used to be, to be the good wife, to be the good mom, and I forgot who Terry was, and somewhere she still is...just gotta find a way to bring her back to surface. I've been trying to be strong for Greg, Mark, Mary, Mom, Dad, Jeannie's husband Mike, Cary, and more. Someone else out there has to do this now. Right now I have to get me ok...I'm only looking for ok here. I know I have to live with this, I know I have to go on, I just want to be ok, and by hell or high water I am going to find Terry again.

I love you Matt and as I once told you there is nothing you can do that will stop me from loving you. I may not like you, (we're talking the teenage years here) but I have always and will always love you.