Happy New Year

Well it is New Year's Day. Had a party last night to put an end to this horrible year, put it behind me in search for a better one this year. Mary and her mom Cindy came, Ginny and David, Mike and Linda, Mike and Meg and Maddie, Trish and Paul from Columbus. We had my "special egg nog" more than a few lemon drops, and what ever we were drinking at the in between times, and damn it Mary you didn't take the sweet tea vodka home with ya. Thank you friends and family, I can’t tell you how much this meant to us. Today we kinda slugged, however I got my lazy ass together around noon to make some pancakes, then reheated and put out leftovers while we watched our Nittany Lions bite the dust. Greg and I met at Penn State, his sister Trish’s husband also went there as well as their son Gordon. So that loss really sucked. Paul and Trish then took us to dinner at a steak house that was excellent. I don't have to cook for awhile to boot, thank you very much.

I convinced myself that having a party and liberating myself by putting the year to an end would miraculously make Jeannie, my sister who passed in June, and my son Matt's death be done with, over, over, thru. I woke up this morning, and it will never be done, over, thru. It will always be with me, I try to wake up later in the day, cause when I do wake, the realization is my firstborn baby is gone. Then I try to get on out of bed. I thank God for Greg, because he has coffee waiting for me.

It is now a new year and I set out goals for myself. I am joining some sort of Y or gym not only for fatass control but for actual interaction with people, I've shut myself away for a long time. I will still be me, and like Matt was like me, you can be my friend or not. If you ask me my opinion, expect to get it, and I want yours. Doesn't mean I have to agree with it. Doesn't mean we can't be friends. Just means we can be honest with each other. The petty stuff never set with me before and let me tell ya, I really can't tolerate any of it now. It is like I want to scream when someone is relaying some petty beef which I normally would get riled up about and now it's like, you don't know aggravation, you don't have a clue.

Both of my sister's have told me over the years Matt is just like you, and that is why you can't get along . I clamped down what I used to be, to be the good wife, to be the good mom, and I forgot who Terry was, and somewhere she still is...just gotta find a way to bring her back to surface. I've been trying to be strong for Greg, Mark, Mary, Mom, Dad, Jeannie's husband Mike, Cary, and more. Someone else out there has to do this now. Right now I have to get me ok...I'm only looking for ok here. I know I have to live with this, I know I have to go on, I just want to be ok, and by hell or high water I am going to find Terry again.

I love you Matt and as I once told you there is nothing you can do that will stop me from loving you. I may not like you, (we're talking the teenage years here) but I have always and will always love you.